I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
