I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
