Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
sarcasm needs its own font
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
