his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
