shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
