my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize