just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
