you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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