One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
