I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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