Soap is not a condiment
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
