I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Randomize
