I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
