Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
