Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
