I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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