In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
