mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
