Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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