You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
