Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
