what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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