there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i think my cat just said my name.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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