You can't special order awesome
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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