I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
