Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
