i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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