The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
