I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
