I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
