A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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