I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sober January is a disaster.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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