Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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