absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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