i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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