Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
