remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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