Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
