He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
