we're chasing vodka with high fives
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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