I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
