Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
