he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize