I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
