thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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