I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
