Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
