why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
