Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
