She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
