I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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