What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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