K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize