Duck Duck Cougar?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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