My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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