remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
