I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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